to experience something new,
happiness soars again
episodic misery,
heed the pattern, then
each time it happens fresh,
a sensation is reborn
remember me? the feeling says
to history it's sworn

I've come back to this dreaded place a million times or more. White walls surround me, scare me, taunt me from afar. As far away as the sun, just as bright. These fortifications that contained me for weeks at a time, a stretch unknown, sterile hug without touch. Machines stand over me, I look up with fear. How will these metal mechanics invade? Fear punches me in the gut, like a boxer's finishing blow. My lights fade like the sun-bright dusk walls. Blink, miss it. Pain pushes and prods pitifully.

waiting for this poem
to write itself out here
words don't come easily
they hide from me and sneer

sit about and ponder
what could come of this page
nothing makes sense until
pointless musings grow sage

it gets longer, complex
thoughts compiled by pen
another prompt sated
good for now, once again

a rocky shore, awake at night
the seaweed twists, a sand-bound kite
it dances up to space

a swirling fish, the shark's small bite
stingrays stalk, on periled plight
forever in this race

swooping gulls, on blackout flight
moonlit waves, a sparkling sight
all here moves with grace

vital creatures, packed in tight
coral forms, a chessboard knight
please leave without a trace

you plead for my attention
I don't know how to give
I stare with apprehension
you need me just to live

we are incompatible
our closeness is withheld
our problems are impassable
we will never match or meld

I beg for your forgiveness
you bow down and let it go
our pain becomes a stillness
we hope will never show

an aggressive word unspoken
except upon your face
you are my anathema
falsehoods will outpace

I see right through all that you say
these brazen fucking lies
you can't hide your truth from me
for this there'll be no prize

my infectious life disaster,
malady that lacks delight
I see a thing that's neutral,
and I turn it into fight

invest in gloom, exacerbate,
it happens all the time
I could see the best in it,
would that be a crime?

insatiable desire to crush with force,
anyone who won't agree
I'm too entrenched to let it go,
even though I hold the key

my hopes jump above,
what I might really get,
the things that I love,
they won't come, I bet

a solid next year,
to be met with concern,
all this holds dear,
though not up to earn

I push myself hard,
not persistently enough,
say goodbye to my guard,
when the going gets tough

my dreams, anticipation,
might stay until I die,
before this sweet cessation,
I'll try and try and try

I'll do the yard work,
if you'll do the cleaning,
a quid pro quo appeal

what's right is right,
what's fair is fair,
they'll tell you it's a steal

it's fifty-fifty,
but you'll do ninety,
keep up with all demands

so stay with him,
or take your leave,
the choice is in your hands

sometimes I see myself,
acting out like you,
I don't want it to be,
but by now it's all through

my veins, they're full,
of rage passed between,
generations in this family,
it's written in these genes

and so I do my best,
to not pass it on,
to build a wall of safety,
not let you be my pawn

that branding chain,
will end with me,
I'll keep you safer,
without apology

I don't like to think about
the things I left unsaid
thoughts run rough and tumble,
cogitate all through my head

most often I say too much,
those times I can forget
however, when I bite my tongue,
it builds my biggest debt

I always think I'll let it out,
but then the moment comes
I sit and sigh and roll my eyes,
to this spell I have succumbed

collections, my predilections
some things I'd never dream

childhood joy, as brooch or toy
they make me really beam

the littlest pets, a plastic vet
I beg to save them all

tiny trinkets, arts and crafts
just can't avoid their call

you can never pay back
all the harm that you did
can't even keep track
of our zeroing bids

you don't deserve our fortitude
nor secrecy, concealed
for me this life has been tabooed
but I will never yield

like a moth to a flame,
but the flame's just a light,
deceived by this place,
most days and some nights

It's not how they tell you, 'beware of the others',
no, it's different in my life,
and we'll never recover

a 'no' means a 'yes',
or a 'maybe' means 'later',
the message unclear,
I'm confusion's translator

I hide in sight,
my truth concealed
all bark no bite,
my hurt unhealed

they poke sleeping bear,
resistance is vain
this world won't be fair,
I try to explain

I let too much out,
my cover is blown
whine just to pout,
I wish I was grown

the fury lives within me
deep and on the surface
tired hateful spite
I'll live my life with purpose

each day I climb this mountain
avoid my past with glee
I sometimes dream of when they die
the day I will be free

what they've done I shouldn't say
though not my shame to hold
some tell me just let it go
but no, I'll never fold

forever is my life,
and each day it ends
a new me tomorrow,
how will we blend?

identity shattered,
split between worlds
yesterday's me,
gone inward, curled

days keep coming,
I'll never feel steady
in spite of all this,
here I am, ready

a walk each day, at five or eight
through tender lanes between
pea green blades, a path well-trodden
black cat scales fence

faces covered, concealed with doubt
passers by blur shadows longer
their time is biding, stuck inside
on lope through hour that's stopped

a seat by concrete tower
cars rush by, to jump
the evening breeze betrays us all
till tomorrow, by myself

a tool for many uses
a blade that seldom muses
the edge dramatic
feeling deep, somatic
and from you, the blood, it oozes

we have these ancient ways within,
ocean currents and stars that spin
at dizzying heights they guide us far,
from mountain's peak to sandy bar

we navigate our world with hope,
without exploring we lose our scope
the planet shrinks and boundaries tighten,
our fear of other will surely heighten

go out to your place, make peace,
opportunities will never cease
new experiences every day,
life grows its brilliance along the way

I read your poems after school one day
the feelings and fear never fell away
a secret care to keep you near
give private love, perpetual cheer

I can see you're doing better now
you share your life and love aloud
I am so glad you did not bend
my dear and sweet and precious friend

death is blinding
it hurts each time
in brand new ways
that much I'm finding

it eats away at worldly trust
here at once
and not the next
in what world is this just?

no one chooses their mortal end
we must go on
this fear prevails
a lifelong friend

my nights and days pocked with confusion
irrevocable, a life all done
reflect, think back
dream of illusion

shelves stocked and bland
prepared for all unplanned
the end draws near
founding small fear
who knows what we can withstand

a well deserved break,
then becomes holiday
prepare to go back,
did we ever get away?

it's a new group to learn,
a space to decorate
we all settle in,
here to face the same fate

they grow and they learn,
progress feels steady
reports come and go,
they'll never feel ready

a long sluggish term,
the weeks never end
events, celebrations,
exhaustion, a new friend

the end is in sight,
fear and joy seep in
shut down our brains,
till the new year's begin

the sounds are coming back
they're out on a spree
my thoughts bounce and stack
while walls restrain me

I turn, spin around
look out over vast
my mind wanders freely
untied from my past

some day I'll need to go
you'll see it on my face
as all reflects back
in that dreary dismal place

while walls restrain me
my thoughts bounce and stack
they're out on a spree
the sounds are coming back

slinking by the side-lines
creeping round the crook
the cat goes where it pleases
when you see it with that look

prowling in its prison
tiptoe through trapdoor
when the cat here wants to play
playing must mean war

I found this big old hill
Up it I cannot climb
Instead here I'll use my quill
Maybe I can make a rhyme

At the base here I am stuck
No writing on my page
My silly thoughts all run amok
Lost in another age

humongous high beam waves
crashing with a roar
lashing on our hull
beneath the cabin floor

across the sea we travel
destinations not so near
this voyage gently carried
by unrelenting fear

land on the horizon
speaks out to us with hope
peered at from afar
with brass and glass turned scope

the ending's now in sight
as we wash up by the dock
bashed and bruised and battered
our sea-torn home-bound flock

purple elephant cup,
rock from the office
alien planet magnet,
crystals, here before us

amongst my life,
I find these things,
wherever I dare go
when I'm in strife,
their memory clings,
not really just for show

leftover lego pieces,
skirt from Vanuatu
worked-on wooden box,
trinkets, I bought two

deep and hidden,
they hide away,
pretend to disappear
history unwritten,
hard to convey,
a lifelong souvenir

the rolling thought of
everything, that keeps me up at
night, led by errant
realities, that are not so
real, deranged --
obsessive, wondering as to my
fate, which others don't
consider, it could all end
tomorrow, I will feel
better

you are not immune,
your blind spots will prevail -
the evil's out to get us,
hook, thorn, lie and trail

'I'm not the problem,' you say with pride,
to anyone who listens -
but while you turn your back to them,
they're pulling out munitions

'I don't think there's an issue,'
you declare without a search -
it's easy to miss the war
from up there on that perch

'these people just complain too much,'
you moan and whinge and spout -
how lucky you are to live a life
with little to grumble about

'supports are good, I guess,
but some people are just bludging,'
when all this push comes to shove,
it's you that we'll be judging

look within, think for yourself,
you've been far too susceptible
in ignorance you may feel bliss,
but disregard proves unacceptable

I don't want to write about violence
it's much too hard to think about
all the pain and hurt we give each other
concealed with hate and doubt

a raging river, the endless stream
we all fall in sometimes
perpetrator, victim too
complex connection paradigms

it's normal here, will always be
at least that's how it seems
so many find this status quo
is something of their dreams

mild mannered monsters
hiding in plain sight
they lie in wait, unknowing
they'll set your life alight

precisely folded, in a pack,
strapped on tight to adventurer's back:
this daredevil I serve,
as we fall, twist, and swerve

I'm gripped by her brain,
always up in this plane:
in my strength she can trust,
leaning back, a strong gust

we fall, free and wild,
lucidity like a child:
my time coming soon,
together, we're attuned

all at once, familiar tug,
I spread out, a broad rug:
the wind beneath my sails,
slowed, the view details

down lower we float,
no longer remote:
we land safe on the shore,
fold and reset me once more

The landscape was filled with hidings aplenty. Even though strange happenings often occurred here, curious people came in droves each summer. Lush greens and vibrant purples blanketed rich earth. Trees hushed solemnly. What if they found out what was drawing them all in?
"This place is incredible," I heard my next victims exclaim. After their footsteps stilled, I lurched out and grabbed them, two unexpecting lovers. Leaves crunched under heavy foot as I dragged them back to my home. The garden around us laughed wickedly, another story to savour.

my blankets of comfort,
me of home and of world
made sense once before,
now all come unfurled

at home, I was me,
proud, strong and hiding
awaiting being found,
scared, time was biding

in the world untrue,
they don't all need to know
how much can I keep in,
at identity's plateau?

all fades away one day,
who am I, in truth?
wrapped up in this parcel,
the bane of tender youth

awash with the sky
away way up high
take a seat down in comfort's sigh

out here with the sand
I reach out my hand
to our personal wonderland

deep breath of fresh air
adorn nature's wear
much delight always here to share

afraid of the winter,
its perpetual cold and dark
the fear pricks like a splinter,
my difference is stark

scared of this season,
its relentless beating chill
in my mind it will squeeze in,
forced to die on dismal hill

panicked, time is ticking,
days more sad and short than ever
amongst realities I am picking,
escape this one, my endeavour

the pages of this book,
written for you, from me,
our own little family,
this sweet crew of three

I wanted to show you,
how much that you mean,
my guiding lights,
bringing the joy of between

each day that I see you,
with smiles abound,
I remember our fortune,
and the love we have found

forever I'm grateful,
to share this story,
and thankful you want me,
to bask in this glory

dandelions

A weed, sunshine yellow
A weed, make a wish
How can something unwanted provide such bliss?

In Spring, she arrives
In Spring, tall and proud
Upon this gem we've all avowed

The fairies, growing within
The fairies, scattered free
Off into the world to hear further plea

Among others, smiling gently
Among others, overlooked
Owner of the land has removal booked

same problem again,
the end of our wits
together we fix it,
bit by brutal bit

violent, aggressive,
a match for their hate
bigotry unfounded,
nearly grown too late

out in the streets,
people gather to rally
turning huge evil,
over onto its belly

a peaceful time,
not here to stay
history repeats,
poised to betray

'Meet me at the overpass,' I wrote. 'When the day comes.' I wanted to know so badly where I would end up. Would I be funny, pretty, sweet? Would my time be well spent? Would I make it out of this mess? Of course, I knew it was impossible. I'm only 17. I would have to wait like the rest of us.

Just in case, I went. Down my well-trodden path, in this city of bustle. Grey buildings domineered, I looked up to them, fraught. There wasn't much to see here, unchanging day to day. I walked to the centre, heavy legs dangling as busy cars rushed over black nowhere roads. Alone, I was startled - a kind woman tapped my shoulder.

'Pick yourself up,' she said, 'and dust yourself off. You'll be okay.'
'How can you know?' I crumbled by her side.
'I've been here before, things look up, I promise. Do you want to talk about it?'
'No thanks, I'm alright.' My overfull skin tightened. 'I trust myself to find the way.'
'I believe in you, she assured, her twinkling eyes gleaming.

I got up, smoothed my clothes, beginning the trek home. Warm leaves danced around me, brand new in the spring. I saw a butterfly, blue, fresh from cocoon's comfort. Black and white buildings seemed endless with possibility. I finished my journal entry: 'You weren't there, but I was. I will find my way.'

cut up into pieces,
split the halves into two
that's quarters, or fourths,
whichever you like to do

numerator, at the top,
tells how many you have got
cupcakes, pies, or bicycles,
maybe planes or big big yachts

denominator, down the bottom,
divvying up the parts
now you know division,
they call you doctor smarts

a blanket of warmth,
comfort on all sides
out there are monsters,
beneath I must hide

when darkness creeps in,
security squandered
towards evil and horror,
my mind has wandered

please, tuck me in,
as snug as a bug
lest I fall victim,
to ungodly hug

the hours are ticking,
time slips away
up rises sun's safety,
to begin a new day

from goblins and ghouls,
at once I am free
to wish that tonight,
they will hear my plea

A world taken over by those who belong. Humans enraged, guts full of anger, their home returned to what's good. What will we do with all this space? The animals cried out, free, at rest. Trees growing broadly, cracking layered concrete, a flower blooms quietly. Sun shines from her eyes, petals spread, reaching. Competition seems simple now: no parking, roads, construction. Coexistence, mingled here, all species bar one. As living as life gets, so far from done. An overgrown forest, or so they once called it, now merely just growing.

Luke and Mateo had grown together like round peas in a square pod. Life never quite suited them right - mismatched family trips, different schools, growing pains keeping them apart. For what felt like forever, they waited longingly for the summer holidays. The festive days at school passed slowly, a tiny ant stuck in honey.

Every year, Luke and Mateo spent their break together, as much as possible. They were well known by the local kids for their workshopping; they could make anything their hearts desired. Luke and Mateo made whistles, pulleys, gadgets, and gizmos. They took donations and commissions from the other children, collecting bottle caps and springs to return as fishing rods and game pieces to wondrous onlookers.

That fated first summer Saturday, Mateo scoffed his breakfast, Luke rushed to get dressed, and they both cycled to their sacred place in the park to begin the next magical season.

'Hey, Mateo,' called Luke as he rolled up to the meeting place.

'Hi Luke! I couldn't wait to get started so I've already been setting up, I hope you don't mind.'

The boys perched their workstation between some dense trees - a couple wobbly tables, a cart that used to roll, and all the 'junk' they had gathered throughout the last 10 months of mundane life missing each other. Luke dumped his collection into the pile and they began sorting.

'Say, Mateo, any ideas for what we could make this year?'

'So many,' he replied excitedly. 'I'll show you my notebook later. The first thing I'd like to make is a kite, though. My dad showed me a video from when he was my age, with a smart blue kite that danced beautifully in the wind. Do you think we can do that?'

Luke studied Mateo's serious face. He had never made a kite before, but Mateo looked up to him, wanting to learn the whole world.

'Of course we can. I see string, some fabric...' Luke's voice trailed off.

'I'm not sure how to make it though,' admitted Mateo.

'No problem,' Luke assured him. 'We will work it out together. Nothing is too hard for us, right?'

'Right.'

The pair pulled together anything they thought could work: lengths of string, some thin pipes, a cobalt sheet of tarp. They planned, measured, cut, and built, working side by side on their first project of the season. As the afternoon drew nearer to dusk, Luke and Mateo climbed to the highest point of the park to test out their creation.

'I'm going to beat you!' teased Luke, Mateo following fast behind. The strong evening breeze cooled their sun-soaked arms upon the hill.

'You should go first,' offered Luke. 'It was your idea after all.' Mateo grabbed the kite and galloped across the grass.

'Let out some more string!' Luke called - and he did. The kite went up, a little, a meter, then two. About three in total before it came crashing down. Disappointment flooded Mateo's heart.

'Here, let me show you.' Mateo gave up the kite, Luke went for lift off. Again and again, their work couldn't make it off the ground. Returning the failure to the workshop, both boys got ready to head home.

'See you tomorrow, Luke,' said Mateo. He felt disappointed in himself. That was their first project that didn't work, and it was all his fault. Luke probably didn't want to work with him anymore.

That night, Mateo had a big dream. It was tomorrow, and he had a kite that flew just as his dad's had. He studied the kite, its shapes, features, design. He would try to recreate it, no matter if Luke wanted to be involved or not. When Luke found him at the at the workshop the next morning already tinkering, he had no reason to be surprised.

'Hey bud, how's it going?'

Mateo startled. 'I didn't expect you here today...' he looked away.

'Why not?'

'Well, I just thought you would be disappointed with my idea...' Mateo mumbled.

'Of course not, Mateo! Things go wrong sometimes, it helps us learn and grow. I can see it's already working for you.'

'I thought of some new ideas last night,' said Mateo, not wanting to admit where he got them from.

Soon, the kite had been altered and adapted to match his memory exactly. They raced up the hill again, Mateo now leading.

'Here goes...' he said.

The blue beauty clung to the air, climbing, soaring, fluttering.

'It's dancing!' Luke shrieked. 'Like your dad's one!' They held hands and ran together, the kite floating effortlessly beyond them. Finally, they sat down and watched it flit down like an autumn leaf.

'Wow, just wow,' said Luke. Mateo's face flushed a rosy red. 'I'm so impressed by you.'

'Really?' asked Mateo. He didn't believe how different today went from what he had worried about.

'Yes, really. You did what I couldn't. I'm proud of you for trying again.' This made Mateo hide, shy. 'And I'm sorry for making it seem like I knew what to do. I guess it's time for me to start learning from you, too.'

'I'm so excited for the rest of the summer together,' admitted Mateo.

'I can only imagine what we'll build,' said Luke with a smile.

The two natural states of any changing being. As we all are, between them or reaching, life seldom finds stillness. When tides recede, we must work harder to be ourselves - don't disrupt our friendships, carry on our routines, push ourselves through it. Or rest. Allow healing, and comfort - risking the costs in connections, health, responsibilities.

When the pendulum swings back the challenges differ. Goodness and effort come easy. There is plenty of zest and fervour to light each day. We relish these hours, and come to expect them, though these joys can never go on forever. Even the richest - in any and all measures - experience hardship and lows. A lost opportunity; no welcome relief, a broken relationship; painful and seething. Unanticipated death knocking an unfair door. All the preventative factors in the world couldn't prepare a person for these things, nor make them easy.

In the flow, recall ebb, its bitterness and dark. Let it creep in just a little. That piece who finds warmth or kindness during abundance may resurface again, between thrashing waves - a small piece of light bringing hope for the end of the tunnel.